An enabler in most definitions is a person who through his or her actions allows someone else to achieve something. Most often the term enabler is associated with people who allow loved ones to behave in ways that are destructive. For example, an enabler wife of an alcoholic might continue to provide the husband with alcohol. A person might be an enabler of a gambler or compulsive spender by lending them money to get out of debt.
In this fashion, though the enabler may be acting out of love and trying to help or protect a person, he or she is actually making a chronic problem like an addiction worse. By continuing to lend money to the gambler, for example, the gambler doesn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. Someone is there to bail him out of trouble and continue to enable his behavior.
The term enabler is also part of the larger definition of codependency. Codependency at first arose as a definition of adaptive behaviors a person might make if he or she lives with someone with substance abuse or severe emotional problems. A codependent tends to remain so, because he or she adapts to or ignores the behaviors of the ill person. In fact, the codependent often becomes an enabler because it allows one to be involved in fewer conflicts. --wisegeeks.com
As an 18 year recovering alcoholic I know full well, the who, and the how and the why of enabling.Really—I do.I know full well of those that enabled me—some had no idea of the how they may have ‘enabled’ me.But they did.I also know that there were those that enabled me because if I got help that would mean that the partying and the days of Solin being fun would be over—so keep the behavior going.After 18 years of sobriety, 18 years of ministry and beyond—I can tell an enabler a mile away.Can you?
Enabling behavior has its roots in fear.Fear that change will take place and that fear drives people to enable people to keep doing destructive behavior.Destructive behavior is not all about the big ticket items—i.e., drinking, using, over eating and the like.No enabling can be part of parenting also.Some parents can be so fearful of what is ‘better’ for the student (but not see past the pain of change) that the parent will enable their student to keep doing the same thing—in order to keep the pain of change (growth) from happening.In their mind they think—its o.k. to postpone the pain—its o.k. to postpone reality—because the change will be difficult.Some parents just don't want their student to grow up becasue they as a parent can't stand the thought of their student facing the cruel world or the pain of cutting the apron strings is to hard for the parent or their student may go through some tough times as their faith is stretched and tested. All the above is not easy for any parent ( I know) but, ultimately they must face the cruel world, they must have their faith tested, they must face life without them-- and that to some is too difficutl-- so keep things the way they are-- that is enabling.
Ultimately—the student and the enabler have to face a greater pain or much more of a disastrous result will probably take place. What is thought to be ‘good’ intentions while all along, deep down inside they (the enabler) at some point knows the truth.Know anybody like that?Anything like that going on in the lives of students?I see it everyday.
Here in lies the real rub.The one that must call out the enabler.The one that must call out the person to face the truth.That is not fun, that is not what people like to hear.But I...
